Cloud Can't Cook
by Dark-AmethystUnicorn
Summary: the title explains all. some CLC


Not sure what to make of this; for one I had no idea what to call this, hence the pitifully unimaginative title. I'm open to suggestions for a title (more like desperate).

**Cloud Can't Cook**

Cloud didn't cook for several reasons; he didn't have the patience, he was rarely in the mood to cook, he did _not_ trust the microwave…and he really, _really_ couldn't cook.

Seriously.

But when the urge to cook and/or bake overwhelmed him, Aerith could be seen whimpering fearfully as the man thoroughly decimated her kitchen in the process of creating whatever concoction took his fancy. Or trying to.

Oddly enough, the man who could fight off Sephiroth's mind games was utterly confused by recipes. Just a little. Well…maybe a _lot_.

'_Beat egg? How the heck would I do that? Do I punch it or something??'_

Case and point. Aerith's desperation to protect her kitchen is well justified.

-----

Seated comfortably by the window, enjoying the best of the afternoon sun and a good book, Leon blinked slowly as Aerith's frantic face suddenly filled his vision. "Err…"

"Get Cloud out of my kitchen!"

At the words 'Cloud' and 'Kitchen' Leon blinked again; unable to comprehend what his boyfriend had to do with Aerith's kitchen. Behind him Yuffie sniggered and clapped her hands, taking pity on her confused friend enough to elaborate on Aerith's request.

"Cloud sucks at cooking, Leon, it looks like a war zone in there every time he tries…and it's kinda guaranteed that if you eat his creations, you'll require a trip to the hospital."

Aerith was nodding her head in a sheepish agreement. Leon lifted an eyebrow as he regarded the two females. Okay, even he knew his boyfriend wasn't the most domestically capable but he wasn't that bad…mostly; though he did get a little overzealous when chopping firewood. "Aren't you exaggerating?"

"NO!"

He winced and rubbed his ear as he sat back; head tipping over the back of his chair as he stared up at the ceiling. He quietly reviewed the conversation and the pros and cons of getting involved. So Cloud was a disaster in the kitchen…hm, well can't be great at everything. Leon himself couldn't do laundry to save himself…or his clothes. He winced remembering the last time he'd tried to save a little munny by not taking his leather to the dry-cleaners. He sighed tiredly as both girls shot Bambi looks at him.

"Couldn't you just _teach_ him to cook?" '_And leave me alone to enjoy the sun and my book damnit. Finally having a day off here!_'

Yuffie slapped a hand over her mouth as her face turned a bright green even as her eyes shone with mirth, and a trembling Aerith looked dangerously close to bursting into tears. A sight Leon hadn't seen since they were kids and he still hated it.

Sighing again, he directed his attention to Yuffie as he chanced a question. "What happened?"

Yuffie giggled wildly and sat herself down on his lap, ignoring the small glare she received for the action. "War zone, Leon, _war zone_." She explained cheerfully as she began to tick the points off on her fingers. "The oven was destroyed, the chicken looked like a sooty gummi block…tasted like it too. The potatoes weren't edible; the roast veggies were so disgusting I swear it could put you off vegetables for life…which is probably how long you'd be in hospital if you ate them. Oh and the custard had very hard lumps through it upon which I ruined a filling…now I think of it; how did he manage that?"

Leon stared at her incredulously. "That's…a good question and yet I find myself fearing the answer."

"So you'll kick him out for me?"

He grimaced as Aerith upgraded her Bambi look to the Dalmatian puppy look. Bambi he could resist but the Dalmatians? Noooooo…that was as bad as the 'sad Stitch' look. Realising that his relaxation was over he marked his page and set the book to one side, sighing his resignation as he stood up. He comforted himself with the knowledge that Yuffie always exaggerated the damage. Besides, Cloud had lived alone for years, he'd had to cook for himself. How bad could it be?

------

Bad.

**Very bad.**

And Leon had thought Yuffie _exaggerated_.

You really do learn something knew everyday. He thought absently. And today's lesson was that Cloud really couldn't cook –at least not tidily anyway. Sighing Leon looked around and surveyed the damage.

…was that…mozzarella cheese on the ceiling fan? If so, how did it get up- no, Leon thought he was better off not knowing. Cloud looked liked he was making a pizza, so why was the cooking chocolate out? And what the hell was that red stuff on the wa –oh, that _better_ be tomato sauce.

Poor Aerith. He winced, slapping a hand over his forehead. Her beloved kitchen was horrifically beyond recognition…maybe he'd better clean it –perhaps ask Merlin for a little magical assistance- before letting her see the kitchen again. He doubted the blonde would survive if she saw the mess (And since Leon was fond of his boyfriend –even if he was overly obsessed with killing Sephiroth- he didn't particularly relish the notion of Aerith killing Cloud). Aerith's kitchen was the one place you _didn't_ wreck if you had planned to be alive for your next birthday. Cloud seemed oblivious to that crucial piece of survival knowledge judging from the way he slung ingredients around, not even batting an eyelid when something splattered against the wall or went flying to parts unknown.

Tch, what a mess.

He sighed and calmly dodged a flying clump of what he assumed to be pizza dough. Hmm, death by pizza dough. He looked back out the corridor at a loud thud and felt his eyes widen painfully at the hole the dough had created in the wall –_the four inches thick __**concrete**__ wall_.

Oh freaking god, _death_ _by_ _pizza dough!_

He'd better get Cloud away from the kitchen. And fix that hole before dinner.

Gulping back his apprehension he dodged another clump of pizza dough…the things he did for those girls.

He inhaled deeply before stepping further into the kitchen, carefully making his way around the mess on the floor towards Cloud, silently praying that no more pizza dough flew his way.

"Hey Leon."

"_Shit_!" He yelped, taken completely by surprise and slipping on a patch of sauce.

At the noise Cloud finally turned around and lifted an eyebrow as the brunet sat in the mess rubbing his behind. "…what are you doing?"

"Enjoying the messy floor." He retorted sardonically, glowering at the other as he got back on his feet. "What the hell are you up to?"

"Cooking."

Not expecting a simplistic answer –or any answer at all really, Leon blinked. "Cloud, _Yuffie_ isn't this much of a disaster. This-this is _not_ cooking! It's…it's trying to give Aerith a heart attack!"

Looking around the kitchen, Cloud rolled his eyes. "It's not that bad."

"_Not that_ _bad_? The city dump is tidier!" He sniffed disdainfully before covering his nose. "Probably smells better too."

The blonde sighed impatiently, hands fisting onto his hips as he gave Leon a dark look. "Well, can you do better?"

Leon stared at him. He did not just ask that, did he? He was Leon, best friend of Aerith and the boy who had been teased for actually _owning_ an Easy Bake oven (courtesy of Aerith who insisted on teaching him how to use it). He was also the boy who many of the elderly citizens could remember chasing after a little ninja every time she stole a batch of muffins he'd made special for his father (Leon kept himself away from those citizens these days, the last time he and Yuffie bumped into them he hadn't been able to stop blushing for two hours. After all he was Leon, leader of the restoration committee and Cloud Strife's boyfriend/training partner; between the elderly and Yuffie it was a wonder he had a shred of his reputation left).

Cloud had the distinct feeling he'd asked a dumb -_very dumb_- question but couldn't quite figure out why. After all, even if she was banned from preparing drinks, Aerith cooked all meals for the committee –something he hoped would continue once the restoration was over since he rarely could be bothered cooking and he'd never seen Leon near the kitchen…come to think of it, could Leon cook or was he like Yuffie in the kitchen? Cloud shuddered at the thought; he loved Leon, really, but the notion of him being a somewhat male counterpart of the ninja –especially in the kitchen- was just plain _scary_. "What?"

"Cloud, I grew up with _Aerith_." He clarified, looking as though it should have been painfully obvious. "Most boys wrestled and played tackle. I was in the kitchen being subjected to cooking lessons. That being said; _hell yes_ I can do better." So can Yuffie, he added silently. Not that he was going to tell Cloud that; that would undoubtedly start an argument and despite the fact that they lived in _Leon's_ house, anytime a disagreement arose, Cloud always found a way to keep the bed while Leon either slept on the couch or let the argument –and his pride- slide so he could sleep in bed.

"Fine, make me a damn pizza."

There was a long moment of silence before Leon nodded in an almost haughty fashion and headed towards the door.

"What are you doing?"

"If you think I'm cooking in this war zone, Sephiroth has clearly addled your brain beyond hope."

"…that's a low blow."

"And yet you're not denying it."

------

"Well?"

Cloud didn't respond, his attention was focused entirely on the pizza he was savouring. Leon sighed, knowing he wouldn't be acknowledged until the pizza had been consumed and decided to go into the lounge to read a book as he waited for the blonde to resurface.

He didn't get very far though. Just as he passed through the door, Cloud finished eating and tackled the brunet to the floor.

"What the fuck?!"

"Make another."

"Fuck you Cloud!"

Cloud hummed; unseen by Leon a wicked grin had formed on his face as he trailed his fingers down the brunet's spine. "What was that Leon? _Fuck you_?"

For a moment Leon stilled, then a snarl emitted from his throat as he reached back to hit the blonde. "Mind out of the gutter!"

"Make me a pizza please."

Leon blinked, twisting around so that he could stare at his boyfriend incredulously.

"What?"

"You…actually said _please_. You…please…po-lite?"

A little miffed, Cloud frowned at his absolutely stunned boyfriend. He wasn't that rude was he? He shrugged it off as a hopeful light glinted in his eyes. "Does it earn me a pizza?"

"…no." Leon murmured weakly, lifting a hand up to massage his temple. "It earns _me_ a dizzy spell."

"…"

"…"

"…I'm not _that_ bad." He grumbled, letting himself fall on top of the brunet with a sharp glower.

"…whatever." Leon mumbled, feeling too tired to argue that yes, Cloud actually was _that_ bad…most of the time. He yawned quietly as Cloud started to nuzzle his throat, reaching up sluggishly to wrap his arms around the blonde just as the kitchen door slammed open.

"_Cloud Strife! What did you do to my kitchen?!"_

An elbow to Leon's ribs and suddenly Cloud was off of him and sprinting outside, Aerith not too far behind him –pausing briefly to apologise to Leon for 'ruining their moment'. Sitting up, he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "There goes my best friend…chasing my boyfriend…that sounds so _wrong_…"

Et voila! The End.

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